Smoking Laws Gone Wild, Part 1
What would happen if all tobacco products became illegal in the United States? Well, if left up to a select group of asshole legislators in this country, this would be the final result. Local, state, and national government organizations would be crippled! Many such organizations rely on taxes on tobacco products for their funding. I’m not an economist—in fact I am still learning how to properly use a calculator—but I’ll bet my humidor that banning and/or imposing ridiculous taxes on these products until the average consumer can no longer afford them would undoubtedly cripple the world economy. Not to mention that just about every neighborhood tobacco shop would eventually be forced to shut down.
Let’s just say that someday tobacco products are completely banned. The “War on Drugs” would take on a much deeper meaning when cigars and pipe tobacco are being sold illegally on the same sleazy backstreets as heroin, marijuana, and crack. From another perspective, think about how much pressure would be put on the average drug dealer if he doesn’t have the perfect cigar to complement a bag of black-tar heroin. He could lose the whole sale! The irony of all this is that more and more states are trying to make marijuana-growing legal while simultaneously trying to ban tobacco in every state.
I honestly believe that marijuana has been proven to help people with certain chronic, terminal, and mental illnesses, but I also believe that cigars have the same medicinal effect. Can you imagine how many middle-aged Jewish men avoid a stroke because they were able to puff on a fat stogy while their wives are out draining their credit cards at Bloomingdales!
Perhaps the most absurd aspect is that these dumb political tools are classifying cigars and pipe tobacco in the same category as cigarettes. Mr. Congressman, instead of going to happy hour every night with your political cronies, or banging your secretary at a cheap hotel, why not read a book about cigars? They are not the same as cigarettes! They don’t have a zillion toxic chemicals and you don’t inhale! George Burns didn’t live to be 100 years old smoking three packs of Lucky Strikes a day, you dumbasses!
On another related topic, and please understand that this is just my own opinion—secondhand smoke is total bullshit! Look at the pollution floating around in the air every day. Plus, if it was so damn dangerous, there would be nobody over 50 alive today. I spent the first 18 years of my life with a cigarette, cigar, or pipe within breathing proximity of my kisser and I can still schlep through a store without riding a Rascal Scooter. I acknowledge that it is common courtesy to keep your distance from nonsmokers if it bothers them, but my neighbor certainly will not drop dead on his front porch, because I was smoking an El Rey del Mundo in my own backyard. So, everybody shut the F- Up already…
Oh, I’m getting so mad now that I almost threw my laptop into the fish tank. I’m going to stop here, take a deep breath, and redirect you fine brothers and sisters of the leaf in an entirely different direction when I unveil “Smoking Laws Gone Wild- Part 2” this Thursday.